i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
