Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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