My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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