just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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