I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
