Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
