my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
