DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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