You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
