I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
