So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
