I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
