Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
