my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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