my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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