I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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