she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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