She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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