like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
