you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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