I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
