I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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