You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize