Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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