Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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