I met the friendliest cop last night
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize