I wanna bring you to show and tell
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize