Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
