you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
