I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
