and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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