how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
They have beer where we have blood.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize