I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
