I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
COCAINE IS GR8
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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