Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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