I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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