she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
