My brain says no but my pants say off.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
