I have demons in me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
