Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
