I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
