I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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