i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It's blow job season.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
