The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
