Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
