between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize