Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
