She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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