You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
When are your genitals available?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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