hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
