We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
how drunk are you?
Several
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
