Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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