TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
