Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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