I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
