New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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