Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
